


Before Dishonour

by Meridian (Meri)



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-10-01
Updated: 1999-10-01
Packaged: 2017-10-12 01:30:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/119299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meri/pseuds/Meridian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place right at the end of TPM, changing the ending and going on from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before Dishonour

**Author's Note:**

> **DISCLAIMER:** George Lucas owns the world and all the playthings in it. I hope he's not going to mind that I've borrowed a few of his toys for a while, and I promise to return them unharmed and much happier for the experience.
> 
>  **Note 1:** Many Thanks to my editor: Marcelle, and to Anne Higgins and Jody for comments. If there are still typos and mistakes they are all mine.
> 
>  **Note 2:** This story was originally published in Entr'Acte in October 1999

He was going to die.

With his energy waning in the face of Darth Maul's greater youth and power, Qui-Gon Jinn had no doubt that this life's end was at hand. An elbow to his jaw and the red lightsabre went through his chest. Pain laced his entire body as he heard Obi-Wan scream in denial.

 _Nothing to be done about it, my Padawan, my life is forfeit._ He slipped to his knees and then to the floor, blocking the pain as best he could, trying to stay focussed on Obi-Wan's fight with Maul.

Horror gripped him as he watched Obi-Wan disappear into the melting pit, but he could still feel his Padawan's life-force, and he knew Obi-Wan hadn't dropped to his death. As Maul stalked back and forth in front of the pit, gloating over his apparent victory, Qui-Gon felt the Force swell in his Padawan, and then his own lightsabre flew into Obi-Wan's hand. Another second and Maul was gone, falling into the pit, cut in half by Obi-Wan's quick thinking.

Obi-Wan cradled him, and he tried to tell his Padawan to train Anakin, but there was no time for all that he needed and wanted to say. The life slowly faded from his body.

As if he could do something about it, Obi-Wan shook his head in denial.

At some point recently, Qui-Gon had begun to suspect that the feelings he'd quietly harboured for his Padawan might be returned. Believing he had all the time in the world, he'd decided to wait until Obi-Wan was a Knight and they could meet on equal terms before speaking. Now, they would not meet as all and for all that was unspoken between them, he was profoundly saddened. Qui-Gon raised a weary hand to the tear- stained face, wishing many things.

"No." Obi-Wan whispered the word with such power that Qui-Gon forced his eyes open again. "You will not die."

As strong as either of them were with the Force, there could be no changing the outcome of this day's work. Darkness encroached, one last look into his beloved's wet eyes, and Qui-Gon closed his eyes.

 _I love you, my Obi-Wan._

Acceptance of the inevitable was the Jedi way. Qui-Gon grew weaker and weaker, drifting in a black haze. He felt the Force more strongly now, as it beckoned him to lose himself within its warm embrace. The last of his awareness was easing away from life when brightness invaded his consciousness. He immediately recognized Obi-Wan's signature.

What was Obi-Wan trying to do?

Trying to heal him -- the damned fool. His Padawan had neither the control of the Force nor the strength to do it. Trying to reach Obi-Wan, to stop him before his life was also lost, Qui-Gon was horrified to find that he could not communicate at all. It was as though a clear impenetrable wall stood in front of him. He could watch what Obi-Wan was doing, but could do nothing about it.

Using the Force, channelling, moving it, and then thrusting it into the wounds created by the lightsabre, Obi-Wan started to heal the tattered shreds of his body. After Obi-Wan had used all the Force energy that he could gather, he started to draw on his own strength, continuing to work long after he should have stopped.

Unable to tell Obi-Wan to cease before he drained himself completely , Qui-Gon watched in silent horror, feeling Obi-Wan's life-force waning as the boy gave him everything. A gift Qui-Gon would rather not accept, although he was given no choice in the matter.

Screaming in silent fury, he felt Obi-Wan torn away from him, his strength gone, his life-force fading, as Qui-Gon watched in frustrated agony.

At the last second, his Padawan's pain shattered Qui-Gon and he wished that he could follow Obi-Wan into oblivion, but that too was denied him. Qui-Gon would live now, with the knowledge that it had been Obi-Wan's life that had bought his own back.

Not worth the cost, he wanted to shout at the stars, but there was nowhere for his words to go.

* * *

When Qui-Gon regained consciousness in the Naboo infirmary, Amidala was standing by his bedside, looking concerned. A quick inventory of his body and mind showed he had almost completely healed from the injury. Reaching out, he hesitantly touched the bond between himself and his Padawan.

Obi-Wan lived, but his life-force was at a very low ebb, nearly extinguished. Helpless anger swept him. If Obi-Wan lived, there would be hell to pay for this bit of hardheadedness and if he did not... Qui-Gon could not entertain that thought. "Obi-Wan?"

Amidala shook her head, her voice grave when she spoke. "He's alive, but very weak. The healers don't understand what to do, there are no wounds."

Just the ones Obi-Wan had inflicted on his own life-force. "He requires a Jedi healer."

She nodded. "I've sent a message to the temple on Coruscant, they are on their way."

"How much time has passed?" His normal time sense could not be trusted for anything until he was able to stabilize himself.

"About three hours since we found you both in the Melting room."

Moving slowly, Qui-Gon sat up. The newly knitted muscle in his chest protested mightily, but he was only sore, nothing more. A hot bath would take care of much of it. The rest of the pain could and would be relegated to the Force. He swayed as he stood.

"Should you be on your feet?" Amidala asked, holding out her hand to steady him.

He smiled his thanks. "I must see Obi-Wan."

She seemed about to argue, then thought better of it. "Of course. This way."

In the room behind his, Obi-Wan lay on a high table with a healer monitoring him. Bowing, the young healer left them.

As he approached the bed, Qui-Gon's breath caught. Obi-Wan's face was the colour of newly fallen snow, and nearly as cold to his touch. Tears prickled as he took the pale hand, trying to force some of his own meagre reserves into his Padawan.

Live, Obi-Wan. Please live.

Obi-Wan's eyes remained stubbornly shut, his chest moving with shallow breaths. His life-force did not wane any further, but neither did it register any new gains, showing just how drained his Padawan had become. Another wave of anger swept through him and he tried to release it to the Force, to no avail. He could not believe Obi-Wan had been so reckless. He turned to Amidala. "I'll sit with him until the healers arrive." And then thought to ask, "How is Anakin?"

The Queen's smile softened. "He saved us all." She went on to explain how Anakin had destroyed the Trade Federation ship that controlled the droid army. "All of Naboo is indebted to him."

"I'll need to see to him."

She put a hand on his arms and shook her head. "He's being taken care of. I'll see to his welfare for the next little while. Concentrate on Obi-Wan."

Grateful beyond measure, he found a small smile, and patted her hand before she removed it from his arm. "Thank you."

* * *

The healers arrived, and the Jedi council with them. Qui-Gon reluctantly left Obi-Wan's side long enough to check on Anakin and to report to the council, who were justifiably concerned with the reappearance of the Sith. In their infinite wisdom, the council had decided to train Anakin after all, realizing what a bad idea it was to leave one so powerful untrained and unprotected. Anakin would be too tempting a target for the remaining Sith. Qui-Gon didn't bother to tell them that he had planned to protect Anakin, even if they hadn't given him leave to train him.

As soon as Qui-Gon could, he returned to Obi-Wan's side. For two days, he had watched and waited for Obi-Wan to open his eyes. Each day, Obi-Wan looked a little more alive, his colour slowly returning to a pale flesh tone.

His anger would not abate and he wanted answers -- answers that only Obi-Wan could provide. Why would Obi-Wan risk his life so frivolously? After all the time, trouble and expense he and the Jedi had gone to training him to serve the greater good, how could he throw it all away in an attempt to save one life?

Hoping to regain control of his fury, he sank into a light meditation. Part of his mind kept watch over his Padawan, while the rest tried to find some peace with his anger. After a time, he gave up the exercise, unable to concentrate or even centre himself in the Force. His emotions were chaotic, his feelings for Obi-Wan clouding his ability to deal with what had happened.

Obi-Wan's eyes slowly opened, and Qui-Gon was left breathless with relief. He had been afraid he would never see his Padawan's blue-green eyes look at him with life in them.

"How are you feeling?" he asked gently, not wanting to frighten Obi-Wan before he was fully conscious.

"Thirsty." Obi-Wan's voice was dull, raspy.

Qui-Gon held a straw to the parched lips, grounding himself in Obi-Wan's conscious presence for one moment.

Obi-Wan drank thirstily, his eyes still glazed with sleep.

"Easy." Qui-Gon stroked the short hair back, his voice shaky as he tried to control his profound relief at Obi-Wan's recovery. "Easy."

"Thank you."

"How do you feel?"

"You already asked that." A hint a smile came with the quiet words. He sounded better already, but still not awake.

"So, I did. But you didn't answer." Qui-Gon smiled gently at him, not letting any of his anger or other negative thoughts through the link between them. Instead, he sent reassurance and serenity, hoping to soothe Obi-Wan back to the sleep he obviously needed. Right now, his top priority was Obi-Wan's recovery, everything else could wait. There would be time later for them to begin to deal with the repercussions of what his Padawan had done.

"I'm fine." Obi-Wan's eyelids began to drift closed once more.

Qui-Gon gave him a disapproving look, but let the corners of his mouth twitch up in a smile.

"I'm fine, but tired. Need to sleep," Obi-Wan amended with a small smile, his eyes closing completely.

Unable to help himself, Qui-Gon caressed the smooth cheek with the backs of his knuckles, rejoicing in the life beneath his fingers. Obi-Wan leaned into his hand.

"Sleep now, my Padawan, we will talk more later."

Obi-Wan nodded without opening his eyes, his breathing evening out as Qui-Gon spoke.

* * *

Extensive and lovingly maintained, the Naboo palace gardens were a riot of colour, and had somehow remained undamaged by the invasion fleet. Qui-Gon walked slowly through them, admiring the bright blossoms on his way to meet Master Yoda.

Bowing to his former Master, Qui-Gon settled onto the ground next to the bench where Yoda sat. "He woke briefly this morning."

His Master nodded, looking concerned. "Good. Amazing it is, he survived at all. Trained he was not, to do what he did. How he did it, we still wonder."

And I would like to thrash him for it! Qui-Gon didn't speak the words, but Master Yoda looked up at him sharply. Enough of the old Master/Apprentice training bond was still intact so that Yoda could hear the errant thought.

A smile stretched onto the green face. "Help it would not. Stubborn, Obi-Wan is."

Ruefully, Qui-Gon agreed. "I expect it would not. And I doubt I could bring myself to do it in any case."

"A lenient teacher and Master, you always were." Disapproval was apparent in the raspy tone.

But Qui-Gon didn't care. "I'm too large to use physical force to ensure obedience from a child."

Yoda shook his head with a sigh. It was an old argument. Qui-Gon absolutely refused to use physical chastisement on any of his students in the classes he taught or with his Padawans. A child, even a small one, could be reasoned with and if they could not, there were always other ways. He felt that many Masters went for the strap too quickly without looking for alternative means of discipline.

"Qui-Gon." Yoda's voice brought him back to the matter at hand. "Plans you have, to punish your Padawan?"

Qui-Gon sighed. "I'm not sure yet. I need to know why he did it."

"Obvious it is. Values your life highly, he does."

"But at what cost?" Qui-Gon asked, trying not to let his anger colour his tone.

"Ask him you must. The answer he will tell you."

That was very helpful. Qui-Gon looked sharply at his Master. "Do you know something?"

Yoda shook his head. "A feeling, nothing more."

And Qui-Gon knew he would get no more information out of his Master than that. He rose and bowed again, then returned to Obi-Wan's side.

* * *

Obi-Wan's eyes blinked open. Too bright. The lights were dim, but he still had to squint against them. Turning his head slowly, he saw Qui-Gon sitting in a chair with his eyes closed, asleep or meditating. A quiet joy filled him. His Master lived. And looked healthy and whole from where Obi-Wan was lying. In fact, Qui-Gon looked better than he felt at the moment.

He vaguely remembered waking up, but he couldn't decide if that had been a dream or not. The last thing he remembered clearly was attempting to heal Qui-Gon and thinking he'd failed as he lost consciousness. Well, he must have done something right since his Master lived and breathed.

Taking stock of himself as an afterthought, he discovered to his surprise that he was quite drained, completely exhausted, more so than he could ever remember being.

Qui-Gon's eyes opened slowly, and their gazes met. To his chagrin, he saw as much anger as there was joy in his Master's face. Not a good sign.

A tentative smile touched his mouth. "'lo." He was parched. Even as he formed the thought, a straw was placed at his mouth. He drank. The cool water was balm to his parched throat.

"How are you feeling?"

He'd heard that before, hadn't he? "I am fine. Tired. Strangely weak. Should you be out of bed?"

"I'm quite fine, Obi-Wan. You saw to that. At nearly the cost of your own life." The amount of censure behind those words startled Obi-Wan.

He tried to point out the obvious. "I'm alive and you're alive, so all is well."

Qui-Gon shook his head. "You've been unconscious for three days. And twice we nearly lost you."

"Oh." He hadn't thought he'd been that close to the edge. And he certainly felt wretched now. Still, Qui-Gon's life was more than worth the risk he'd taken, especially since it had paid off.

"Yes. Oh."

Obi-Wan sighed. He knew that tone only too well, could tell that he was in for a reprimand, if not worse. But he could not apologize. Whatever price was required of him for his Master's life, he'd accept it willingly. Qui-Gon's life was far too important to him to lose and yes, even at the cost of his own.

"You should not have done it, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon spoke quietly, but the fury permeated every word.

Obi-Wan was confused at the depths of his Master's emotions. Why was Qui-Gon so angry? They were both alive and going to be well. "I should have let you die? I do not think so."

Now Qui-Gon sighed. "My life is not worth yours."

That was a matter of opinion, but Obi-Wan did not say that, instead he tried to sit up and couldn't quite manage it. He was weak as a new born Wookie cub.

"We will discuss it." Qui-Gon's tone left him no doubt of that. "But not now." The anger disappeared completely. Tenderly his Master put a pillow under his head, helping to ease him up. Was it wistful thinking or had Qui-Gon's hands lingered a moment or two longer than necessary? Obi-Wan dismissed the notion as a flight of fancy.

"You must rest." Qui-Gon touched his face briefly and then put his hands on the rails of the bed, but did not touch him again.

"I've been asleep for three days?"

"You actually woke for a few moments yesterday morning."

"I wasn't sure about that. It's all somewhat misty. But after three days, I've had enough sleep." Even as he said it, exhaustion flooded him, making him so weary that he knew he could not stay awake much longer.

"You can't keep your eyes open."

With a sigh, Obi-Wan gave into sleep.

* * *

Obi-Wan woke several more times over the next few days. Each time he felt slightly less exhausted, and was able to stay awake for longer periods of time. When he woke there was always someone sitting with him: Amidala, Master Yoda, and his own Master. He and Qui-Gon had not discussed what had happened, sticking instead to neutral topics such as what was happening currently on Naboo.

When Obi-Wan woke on the fifth day, Anakin was sitting on a high stool next to him, reading a book. Glancing down at him, the boy smiled. "You're awake."

After the way he had treated Anakin on the way to Naboo, he wondered that the boy could stand the sight of him. He had been jealous and hurt by the way Qui-Gon had shunted him aside in favour of the chosen one. Even as he ignored the boy, he'd known that it wasn't Anakin's fault.

Obi-Wan smiled up at Anakin. "It would seem that I am." He sat up slowly, and was pleasantly surprised to find himself nothing more than a little sore. Reaching for the water by the bed, he drank deeply.

"How are you feeling?" There was genuine concern in Anakin tone and in his blue eyes.

Obi-Wan was touched. "Fine. What has happened? Come to that, what day is this?"

Seeing that he was all right after all, Anakin smiled again. "Nothing much. They have been continuing with the clean up."

"Anything else?" The details had seemed sketchy to him since he had been too weak to take part in anything that was going on. Relying on others was not his preferred way of gaining information, unfortunately, it was the only one available at the moment.

Anakin nodded. "The council has decided that Master Qui-Gon can train me after you take your Trials. I have to go to Coruscant for remedial work first."

The distaste in Anakin's words made him smile. No doubt the boy thought he would be in class with those much younger than himself. Obi-Wan wasn't sure what they would do, but he did not think the boy would be humiliated like that. Despite the fears the council had, once they'd decided to train the boy, they would do their best for him.

He put his hand on Anakin's, and squeezed gently. "I think it will be all right."

Anakin shrugged. "I wish I could stay here, longer."

"When do you leave?"

"I'm not sure. Soon I think. Maybe tomorrow." Nervousness apparent in the falsely bright tone.

Before he could say anything else, the healer came in. "Don't tire our patient out, now Ani."

Anakin hopped off the stool. "I'll see you later."

Obi-Wan nodded. "When can I get out of here?"

"How do you feel?"

Taking a quick assessment, he found that he felt surprisingly well. "Fine."

"Then you can go back to your quarters now. Master Jinn said to tell you he wanted to see you as soon as you were released."

Sighing inwardly, Obi-Wan knew his moment of reckoning had arrived. "Of course." He started to get out of the bed and saw that he was naked under the sheet. "Where are my clothes?"

The healer smiled, handed him a package and left.

As he dressed, he discovered he'd lost quite a bit of weight. He'd always been on the thin side, but now he was almost gaunt. He sighed again; nothing that time, more sleep, and some food wouldn't cure.

Time to face Qui-Gon; squaring his shoulders and centring himself, he went to find his quarters.

* * *

Obi-Wan came into their shared quarters, and knelt on the floor at Qui-Gon's feet, his head bowed in contrition. "Master."

No doubt Obi-Wan expected a severe reprimand, and he was completely correct in his assumption. After hours of meditation on his Padawan's recklessness, Qui-Gon found himself no closer to resolution than when he'd started. There could be no peace for him in the thought that Obi-Wan had nearly traded his young life for Qui-Gon's. "Padawan."

 

His head remained bowed, but Obi-Wan's voice was strong, determined as he spoke. "I know you are angry with me for saving your life. And you are well within your rights to punish me as you see fit."

No apology? Somehow that didn't surprise Qui-Gon. "I told Master Yoda that I wanted to thrash you."

A sharply indrawn breath told of Obi-Wan's surprise at the verdict, and its release said total acceptance. "Yes, Master. Shall I fetch you a strap?"

Qui-Gon closed his eyes, his bluff called. He found it hard to breathe right then. "You'd submit to it, wouldn't you?"

The still bowed head nodded in agreement. "And count the cost small when compared to you life. Shall I retrieve it for you?"

"Are you in such a hurry to be beaten?"

Obi-Wan still didn't raise his head. "No, of course not. But it was your verdict, I will accept it."

Torn between utter disbelief and outrage that Obi-Wan could think he'd ever do something like that to him, especially at his Padawan's age, Qui-Gon sighed. "You will be punished, but have I ever laid a harsh hand on you?"

"No, Master."

"Then why would you think I would now?"

His Padawan's eyes lifted to meet his, and a half-smile touched Obi-Wan's mobile mouth. "Because I sense great anger in you, more than I can remember generating."

"I am very angry, but I would never strike you in anger, and you should know that." He kept his tone perfectly neutral, not letting his feelings colour his words. "I want an explanation, Obi-Wan. No more evasions."

Obi-Wan sighed deeply and shook his head. "Did it never occur to you that if you died, I might not want to live any longer?" Obi-Wan's voice was soft, but desperate emotions sounded behind his words.

The implication was not lost on him, but he could not consider it now. That his Padawan might harbor intense feelings for him did not negate what he had done.

"No. Why would that be true? Yes, I'm your teacher, and you love me, but surely that's all it is." Well, perhaps not quite all, Qui-Gon conceded, but whatever feelings Obi-Wan had, they still did not explain the reckless endangerment of his life.

Obi-Wan sighed again. "Master, for a man as wise as you are, you are surely dense at times."

That particular tone was unacceptable, as were the words. "And you are more than impertinent!" Qui-Gon snapped, annoyed by the flippant tone. This was far too serious to make light of.

"True. You can punish me later. Let me finish now." Obi-Wan's face held no guile, no amusement, only the steady conviction of what he was attempting to convey. That he expected to be punished for his actions no longer an issue, just an accepted fact.

Qui-Gon's anger levelled out. "All right. Why am I so dense and why would you risk your life for mine?"

Obi-Wan met his eyes sombrely, and the impact of his gaze carried the weight of his certainty. "Because I love you, and have since I was sixteen years old." Obi-Wan's eyes bored into his. "I have not and will not love anyone but you. Ever." With the words came a pulse of love so strong Qui-Gon was staggered by it.

Guarding himself against the emotions, he rebuffed them. That Obi-Wan thought this would make everything all right astounded him. "Not good enough Obi-Wan, not nearly good enough." His voice cracked across the room with the power of a whip, cutting through everything in its path.

Obi-Wan's head came up, his eyes showed his shock. Clearly not the answer he was expecting.

"Not good enough?" Obi-Wan rose to his feet in a flowing graceful move, outrage radiating from him. Before there had been acceptance and hope, now there was indignation. "Not good enough? What more do you want?"

More than that -- a better reason to have risked everything. "I've spent years training you, teaching you everything I know, taking care of you, and for what? So you can throw it all away on some damned fool notion of love? What about honour? What about duty?" The anger in him rose with his words until he ground them out through his clenched teeth. "Your training, your potential, your duty to the Jedi was worth more than my life."

Obi-Wan's eyes closed for one moment and he took a breath. When he opened them, he pinned Qui-Gon to the wall with his stare. His words were ice-cold and bitter as acid. "Not to me. By the Force, never to me!"

Disappointment tasted rancid in his mouth. "That is unacceptable."

"And that is too bad. For eight years, Qui-Gon Jinn, I have loved you. If I have to, I can live with not having you as my own, but I cannot live in this universe, if you do not. Beyond duty, beyond my training, beyond the Force, I could never live with myself if I'd let you die when there was a way, any way to save you."

Shaking his head, Qui-Gon could not believe what he was hearing. "You can't love me that much."

"I do. I have. I love you without reason or pause, with all the passion of a sixteen-year-old denied."

Before Qui-Gon could speak, an old memory intruded. When Obi-Wan had been sixteen....

* * *

 _As he entered their shared quarters, Qui-Gon knew that Obi-Wan had not returned from his lessons and was glad. He needed a moment to collect his thoughts. Over the past few weeks it had come to his attention that Obi-Wan had developed a 'crush' on him. Not that such a thing was at all uncommon, indeed it was nearly expected._

 _Although he had gone through special training on how to deal with the situation, Qui-Gon had put off doing anything in hopes the issue would resolve itself, that Obi-Wan's feelings toward him would cool without having to bring the subject up. But it had not. If anything the infatuation seemed to grow._

 _If something wasn't done, it would soon intrude on their training bond, and Qui-Gon could not allow that to happen. When Obi-Wan came in for dinner tonight, they would discuss it. He would try not to hurt his Padawan unnecessarily, but Obi-Wan had to understand there could be nothing of that nature between them. At least not at this point in their lives._

 _Perhaps in the future..._

 _While he had no sexual desire for his beloved Padawan, although he suspected that would change in the years to come. The potential beauty, in both mind and body, would one day be realized, and Qui-Gon could foresee the two of them having such a relationship, but not until Obi-Wan was a Knight, and could approach him as an equal. But for now, he still saw Obi-Wan as more child than man._

 _Qui-Gon looked up as the door opened to see Obi-Wan striding in, and looking determined. Before he could utter anything more than a greeting, Obi-Wan was standing before him._

 _"Master," Obi-Wan said breathlessly, sounding nervous. "I feel I must tell you about my feelings for you."_

 _Sighing inwardly, he had not anticipated Obi-Wan would be so bold. Part of him applauded his Padawan's straightforwardness and part of him regretted the hurt he would now cause. "I think I understand."_

 _Obi-Wan shook his head, and met Qui-Gon's eyes. "I do not think so, my Master." He took a breath and seemed to force himself on. "I love you." Obi-Wan's hand reached into his hair, burying itself in the long strands, and pulling Qui-Gon's head forward._

 _Before Qui-Gon could think about a response, Obi-Wan's mouth settled over his. Stunned by Obi-Wan's audacity, the desire to respond surprised him more than the kiss itself, but he did not move, not a twitch. Finally, Obi-Wan pulled back, his slender hand still entangled Qui-Gon's hair, a thumb caressing his scalp._

 _Disappointment was clear on Obi-Wan's features, but before he could pull away completely and bolt, Qui-Gon put his hand over the hand in his hair and gently removed it, pressing a kiss to the palm._

 _Standing, he caught Obi-Wan as he tried to move away, holding on to him from the back, letting him struggle until he understood that Qui-Gon would not let him go. With his arms crossed over Obi-Wan's chest, he leaned in close, speaking softly. "I am honoured by your feelings for me, but this can't happen now."_

 _"Why not now?" Deep resignation in the tone let Qui-Gon know Obi-Wan did understand._

 _But he would put it into words so there would be no misunderstandings now or in the future. "I think you know the answer to that, already. You are too young. And I am your Master."_

 _"When?"_

 _"When you can come to me as an equal."_

 _A deep sigh came from Obi-Wan, but he didn't struggle in the embrace. "You don't love me?"_

 _"As a son, as a student, as a friend, absolutely. But as a lover? No, not now."_

 _Obi-Wan seemed to take in the words and for a moment he was silent. Then spoke, hope clear in his soft voice. "But you could?"_

 _"I can't promise you the future. But I promise you this: when you come to me as an equal, the answer will be different than it was today, even if it is only for one night."_

 _Turning in his arms, Obi-Wan looked up at him, his eyes solemn. "I accept."_

 _Qui-Gon nodded, and released him._

 _"I think I need to meditate on this for a while. In the garden, if that's all right with you?"_

 _Letting go a breath of sheer relief, Qui-Gon nodded again, watching as Obi-Wan left the room with an air of satisfaction about him._

 

They had not spoken of it again, and Qui-Gon had half-hoped that Obi-Wan's feelings would have faded.

* * *

"I have waited, and I have lived for the knowledge that one day you would keep your promise to me. Even if I am so unlovable that you can't or won't return my feelings, I always believed that you would spend a night with me. You promised me that much. I have no pride left, and the time will come when I will claim it." Obi-Wan's ragged voice dragged him back to the present.

He should have known, should have guessed that Obi-Wan's feelings would only grow stronger. It had been right before him, had he only bothered to look. The feelings he thought he'd sensed in recent months seemed insignificant when compared with this massive, all pervasive emotion. How could he have missed this?

As if he could read his thought, Obi-Wan answered. "I hid it well, Master. I didn't want you to know."

Qui-Gon shook his head, still reeling from the shock of Obi-Wan's confession. "And I wasn't looking for it to continue past the adolescent crush."

A small rueful smile quirked Obi-Wan's mouth. "Especially when I have not been particularly discriminate in my partners."

"That too."

Obi-Wan cleared his throat and met Qui-Gon's eyes. "Are my feelings returned?"

He turned away, not able to speak the words.

"Master?" The word asked more questions than Qui-Gon could answer.

Refusing to turn around, Qui-Gon remained silent. He could not condone what Obi-Wan had done, he could not allow his Padawan to think duty meant nothing in the face of love, no matter how great it was. How he wanted to turn around and take what had been virtually thrown at his feet, but he could not, would not.

"Master? Say something." The angry edge to the words had faded to bewildered hurt.

Qui-Gon shook his head, forcing the painful words out of his mouth. "I'm sorry. I cannot."

 

After a moment, he heard the door snick closed, and he felt his world crumbling just as quietly. Sinking to his knees, he took several deep breaths, trying without success to calm the aching in his guts, and the trembling in his body.

* * *

Obi-Wan stumbled into the garden, trying to put as much distance between himself and Qui-Gon as he could before he allowed himself to think about what happened. Disbelief cut through him. He simply could not believe that he had been rejected. Taking a deep breath, he slowed his frantic pace -- calling attention to himself would not do.

Despite that he had kept the extent of his feelings to himself, his Master must have known or sensed something because he had not completely hidden his own feelings. Qui-Gon cared about him -- loved him, he knew it. Nothing acknowledged or overt, but a look or touch that lasted a little too long, just enough to give him hope for a time in the future when he could approach his Master.

He did understand why Qui-Gon was acting this way. The code might not mean that much to Qui-Gon, but he was the most honourable man Obi-Wan had ever met. Obi-Wan sighed. And if he felt that Obi-Wan had acted in a dishonourable way, then Qui-Gon would not be able to forgive him.

Reaching the place he was looking for, a small alcove off the main garden with a low grey-stone wall and soft grass, he threw himself down with a sigh. He wanted nothing more than to wail in pain at what had just happened, but he would not give into the grief threatening.

A broken breath escaped him, despite his best efforts to control it. Lying on his back, he concentrated on the blue sky, taking deep breaths and promising himself that he no matter how badly it hurt, he would not weep.

Another deep breath. Calm. Closing his eyes, he reached out to the Force with both hands and was only partially successful in stilling his mind. A second try at centring himself was more successful and he swallowed down the harsh emotions, finding some small measure of peace within his chaotic thoughts.

* * *

After a long time on his knees, and a lot of energy expended in trying to calm himself, Qui-Gon finally breathed calmly again. He turned his mind to what had happened between himself and his Padawan. Despite everything he knew about Obi-Wan, it had come as a tremendous surprise how much the boy loved him -- not Obi-Wan's feelings so much, as the extent of them.

As much as he'd wished he could do otherwise, he had to reject Obi-Wan. Now, the breach between them pulsed raw and painful, needing to be healed. Before this day was done, if he had anything to say about it. But how could he do anything to encourage Obi-Wan?

Obi-Wan had made a mockery of all that Qui-Gon had tried to teach him. The very thought of his Padawan's recklessness roused his fury once more. No. It was wrong to place anyone or anything above the duty for which he had been raised. Obi-Wan had to understand that his life was too important to waste for any reason.

A small honest voice intruded. How far would he go for Obi-Wan? Would he die for his Padawan? Easy enough to decide, of course he would. But while it was more than acceptable for a teacher to give up his life for his student, the reverse was not true.

Slowly he rose, and straightening his robes. He would speak with Obi-Wan.

* * *

A few of those treacherous tears managed to escape Obi-Wan's control, despite his concerted effort to contain them. He swiped at them angrily, wishing he were stronger, wishing he were more noble, more anything, rather than the pathetic creature he had become.

In truth, he wanted to howl. It felt as if the Sith lightsabre had gone through his chest and now there was no one to heal his wounds. His only hope of redemption had rejected him flatly. There would be no others.

With a deep sigh, he tried to reason with himself, a futile effort at best. Why did he keep holding, keep hoping, when he should have given up after the first time he'd confessed his feelings to Qui-Gon and been rejected? For some reason, he stubbornly held on, believing that Qui-Gon would love him back someday. Someday perhaps, but apparently not today.

He felt his master's presence before he saw him and wondered briefly how Qui-Gon had found him when he had shielded against it. He sat up, but said nothing. His eyes must surely be red-rimmed, and blood-shot, even if he had not wept.

"May I sit?" The hesitancy in Qui-Gon's voice startled him.

Obi-Wan shrugged. What could they say to each other now? "As you wish."

Qui-Gon lowered himself to the ground, facing Obi-Wan. For a long time his Maser was silent, simply looking at him intently.

Obi-Wan tried not to squirm under the scrutiny. It was unlike him to be so edgy, but between his exhaustion and the emotional upset of the last few hours, he was hard pressed to remain calm even with the help of the Force.

There could be no compromise between them on this, Obi-Wan understood that intuitively. In a few weeks' time, there would be nothing left to hold them together. Their apprentice-master bond would be severed along with the braid he had worn for more than twelve years.

Taking a deep breath, he broke the strained silence. "Master. I understand that you can't forgive me for what I've done. I accept that as the price of it. After my Trials, we need not see each other often or at all." The words came out in an almost normal tone. He might have been proud of himself, had he not been dying from the agony his words caused.

"No. I don't want that." Qui-Gon looked as if he might reach out to touch, but did not.

Disappointed beyond words, Obi-Wan took a breath. "Then what? I have made my choice. You have made yours." It should not have sounded as final as it did. He didn't want it to be final.

"Surely there must be some place we can find common ground?

He raised his eyes and saw the pain in Qui-Gon's. The truth cut deep. "I don't think there is any."

Qui-Gon let out a deep sigh. "I would not have us this far apart. Perhaps we both should consider this more carefully?"

Obi-Wan shook his head. Even if he could undo what he'd done, he would not anyway. There was nothing left to consider. "Can you honestly say you understand or condone what I have done, or more importantly why?"

"I do understand it. But you're right, I cannot condone it."

"And I can't apologize for it." What was there left to say?

"Let us leave things as they are for the moment. I must take Anakin back to Coruscant to begin his training. You still require a few weeks of rest before you can start to prepare for your Trials."

He saw where this was leading. A tremor ran down the length of his spine and his fear turned icy. Of all the possible rejections, or punishments, he had not expected to be abandoned. He drew in a short surprised breath. "You're going to leave?" The me was implied in his tone.

Qui-Gon shook his head, not knowing or not caring that what he was saying was destroying his Padawan. "Padawan, I am just going to take Anakin to Coruscant. You need to rest. It is more easily accomplished here. You will not have to move."

An eight-hour shuttle ride would not make any difference in his healing, but evidently it did not matter to Qui-Gon. He was unwelcome. Twelve years of trust, affection and love, cast aside. It did not seem possible.

Another sound burst from his lungs as he tried to fight back the pain. But it caught hold of him without mercy. Being beaten would have hurt less. Was there no grace he could ask for?

Even expecting his worst fears to be realized, he could not believe how painful the verdict was. There would be no reprieve this time. He'd promised himself at the onset that he'd accept whatever punishment administered with as much grace as he could muster, so he bowed his head in obedience. "As you wish, my Master."

Qui-Gon stood, brushing a gentle hand across Obi-Wan's hair. "We will speak of this again soon."

He watched Qui-Gon walk away without so much as a backward glance. Crushed, Obi-Wan took a shallow breath hoping to keep himself from shattering completely. Tears stung his eyes and he had to blink several times before he could risk opening them again. A sound suspiciously like a sob escaped him, but he fought the rest back.

Aside from a handful of assignments when he'd been too young to accompany Qui-Gon, he had never been left behind, not for any reason.

* * *

Entering Master Yoda's private chambers in the Temple, Qui-Gon bowed formally. "You wished to see me, my Master?"

"Qui-Gon, yes." Yoda waved him to a cushion by his chair and he settled himself on the floor in front of his Master's chair. It put them roughly at eye level.

Qui-Gon was not sure why Yoda wanted to speak to him. Anakin was adjusting well, having been assigned quarters in the initiates' dormitory and he would remain there for at least a few months until he'd completed the necessary remedial work. At which point, Obi-Wan would have passed his Trials and Qui-Gon could take another Padawan. The boy was eager to please, outstripping everyone's expectations already.

"How is Obi-Wan?" Yoda's gravelly voice broke through his thoughts.

"Recovering, I expect." Despite the unrelenting ache their separation had caused, he hadn't been able to bring himself to speak to Obi-Wan yet, and had relied on reports from the healers and from Amidala to know his Padawan's status. He could not return to Obi-Wan's side until he worked through his anger. It would not be fair to either of them.

"Know, you do not?" The censure in his Master's tone did not surprise him. The issue should have been resolved long before this many days had passed. What was wrong with him? He didn't understand his own anger or why he allowed both himself and Obi-Wan to remain in such a painful circumstance.

And he admitted to himself that he probably should have checked on Obi-Wan personally, but he hadn't been able to bring himself to reach out. "I understand he is doing well."

"Understand you do? Talked to him, you have not?" Meeting his eyes, Yoda did not look pleased. Nor could he blame his Master. He knew he should have contacted Obi-Wan, but the longer they were apart, the harder it became to consider.

He dropped his eyes and shook his head. "No, my master."

"Nearly two weeks it has been."

Qui-Gon nodded. He didn't need to be reminded of the passing time; he knew only too well. The pain worsened as each day passed. "Yes."

A puzzled frown appeared on the green face. "Why?"

"Why what, my Master?" He did not want to talk about Obi-Wan with Yoda, not with anyone, but his Master knew him too well.

The sigh was long and filled with exasperation. "With Obi-Wan you have not spoken?"

Bowing his head, Qui-Gon's own sigh was resigned. "Because I've been trying to work out my anger at what he has done."

"Saved your life, he has. More you want?" Yoda rapped his cane against the tiles with a loud crack and Qui-Gon jumped.

He shook his head, still not meeting those too-knowing eyes. "No. I found his reasons for saving my life unacceptable."

"Unacceptable? How?"

It still hurt to speak of it. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Obi-Wan nearly traded his life for mine. I felt, do feel, that it would have been a waste of all the time and training and care I have given him. It is his duty to the Jedi to live and serve, not to waste his life."

Yoda snorted rudely. "Believe this you do?"

Of course he did. Didn't he? "Yes," Qui-Gon said tentatively.

"Believe this of you, I do not."

"Pardon?" He couldn't quite summon the indignation he would have liked, but he met Yoda's eyes.

The walking stick hit the ground hard, emphasizing his points. "Care for the code, you do not. Choose your own path, you always have. Blame Obi-Wan for doing the same?"

"It wasn't his choice to make." Qui-Gon tried to put the force of his belief into the words, but they still didn't sound right to his own ears.

And Yoda must have heard it. "No? Whose choice then?"

Pushed to admit the truth, Qui-Gon spelled it out. "Mine!"

The large green eyes widened, and Yoda shook his head, glaring at him. "I think not. Your Padawan he is. Your possession he is not. His own decisions, he is free to make. As you have always been."

"But..." And as if he'd been hit with the stick himself, Qui-Gon understood what he was being told and it shamed him. Yoda was right. He didn't care a whit for the code, and that he had used it as an excuse to push Obi-Wan away horrified him. "What have I done?"

Yoda shook his head. "Examine your feelings, you must."

There was no doubt about his feelings. "I know my feelings. And Obi-Wan's, for that matter."

"Then his reasons you already know."

He'd rejected the love his Padawan bore him for no other reason than Obi-Wan had dared to follow his own desires, had dared to do what he would have done in an instant.

Qui-Gon considered how frequently Obi-Wan urged him to follow the code, the gentle scolding for going against the council's wishes on matters of conscience and he realized that Obi-Wan was much more like him that he'd ever known. He closed his eyes in sorrow.

When he opened them again, he met Yoda's gaze. "Understand you do?"

"That Obi-Wan is more like me than I'd ever understood? That he was trying to keep me out of trouble rather than insisting that I follow the code for its own sake?" Qui-Gon bowed his head. "Yes, my Master. I understand."

"Your defiance he has in equal measure."

"I must speak with him."

"Good. Time it is!" Yoda smiled at him. "Return to your Padawan you must."

More than true. He bowed again and nodded. With a sigh, he finally released the anger he had carried for so long.

He owed Obi-Wan the most humble of apologies. And whether or not he would receive any sort of forgiveness would remain to be seen. It was all too possible that he'd hurt Obi-Wan beyond what his Padawan could forgive. Although he hoped that Obi-Wan would accept both his apology and his love, Qui-Gon would not blame Obi-Wan if he rejected him completely.

* * *

The first two weeks of his convalescence crawled by with miserable slowness for Obi-Wan. He was still too weak to do more than the most modest of exercise and even that exhausted him after a short time. Left alone with his grief and his thoughts, he spent much time in meditation, looking for peace.

He found none. The pain of the separation did not abate, and Obi-Wan knew he had to purge the harmful emotions before he could accept what had happened and move on with his life. And he did want to go on, knowing he'd never again love anyone with the all-consuming love he felt for Qui-Gon. Maybe there would be other kinds of love. Serving the Jedi would give his life meaning.

By the Force, he hated to cry, even knowing it would make him feel better in the long run. Walking through the gardens in search of a quiet place, he found a private nook on the waterfall side of the palace. Obi-Wan sat down in the grass, trying one last time to touch the Force and expel the emotions. No luck. Because he had no choice, he allowed the tears to well up from the very bottom of his being, knowing that would be the only way to release the terrible pressure building inside him. The grief and loss of hope would destroy him if he did not let it out.

Lying prone in the soft grass, he let the images flutter around him. Images of himself and his Master, working together, training, laughing, times spent in quiet contemplation and the joy, triumph, sorrow, and loss of twelve years together. And the most preciously held moments of all, when he had hope for a future between himself and Qui-Gon. All the love and joy that might have been his, but now would not be.

His chest heaved, his stomach tightened, and finally the sobs rose up out of the depths of his body. Obi-Wan held nothing back, pouring out his anguished desolation, letting it run into the ground with his tears. Sometime during the release, he realized he was no longer alone, that someone held him.

He would have fought the embrace, pushed against the comfort if he had any strength left, but the tears had taken everything that he had and left him without strength. As he slid into sleep, still weeping pitifully, some part of him realized with a great deal of mortification that he was crying himself to sleep. At least it was over.

* * *

Obi-Wan awakened slowly, his eyes sticky and sore from his crying jag. He wasn't sure where he was for a moment, but then saw he was back in his own bed -- or his bed at the palace. The last thing he remembered was crying in a fairly secluded corner of the garden.

Qui-Gon.

He remembered now. As he fell into sleep, he had recognized who held him. What he didn't know was why. Was Qui-Gon here for his Trials, had he been forgiven that much? As far as he knew no Master had ever missed his or her Padawan's Trials. It was supposed to be a triumph for them both. But he'd also never heard of a Master being as angry or disappointed with his Padawan as Qui-Gon was with him, especially this close to the event.

Expecting to be rejected completely, he hadn't thought Qui-Gon would return. That his Master had come back allowed treacherous hope to begin to surface. He trampled it down ruthlessly. Sitting up, Obi-Wan rubbed his sore eyes and took stock of himself.

Emotions still roiled within him, but he felt much more in control . Yes, he would grieve for a long time to come, but he would recover and go on. Who knew what the future held? He tried not to care, but lying to himself was not his strong suit.

Pushing himself to his feet, he went into the washroom, and splashed cold water on his face, hoping to reduce the swelling the salt had caused. He looked dreadful. His face was splotchy, his eyes were red-rimmed and his hair stood out in clumps. Gods, but he hated it when he cried.

A knock on his door startled him, and that it was Qui-Gon startled him even more. With a sigh, he called out to enter. No point in putting this off any longer. His only hope was that he could survive the coming interview with enough of him intact to take his Trials.

Qui-Gon entered his room, and to Obi-Wan's shock, knelt down on the floor with his hands tucked into the sleeves of his tunic, his eyes on the floor, just as Obi-Wan himself had done any number of times when he wished to beg pardon for some transgression. Before he could recover, Qui-Gon spoke. "I have wronged you, Obi-Wan, in a way unbecoming a Jedi."

What?! Obi-Wan's head spun. Reaching out for the desk chair, he held onto the back, requiring support. "I don't understand."

Not raising his eyes, Qui-Gon continued in a quiet tone. "I should not have taken you to task about your duty to the Jedi until I examined my own motives more closely."

What exactly Qui-Gon was saying, Obi-Wan still didn't understand, but he was afraid to breathe lest he break the spell. "Go on," he whispered.

"The reason, the true reason, I was so very angry was because you had endangered your life."

This was nothing new, nothing that would warrant this... this action. "You said that before."

"But not because your life belonged to the Jedi -- " Qui-Gon looked up at him. "Because your life belonged to me. My own fear of losing you to death coloured everything I felt... and said."

Obi-Wan blinked. "Because you think you own me?"

"Because I know that I love you."

How could he say that so calmly, after everything that had happened, and everything they had gone through in the last few weeks? How could he? Obi-Wan felt the anger returning, and he tried desperately to centre and push it away into the Force, but with minimal success. Several deep breaths allowed him to try again. This time it worked better than the last. "Just like that?" was all that finally made it out of his mouth.

"In the time we've been apart I've had a chance to think... meditate on what happened, but more importantly why. I know I reacted badly. I know I hurt you." Qui-Gon sighed. "Being apart from you these last weeks had been unbearably painful."

An understatement if ever he'd heard one. "But whose choice was that?" Obi-Wan hadn't meant for his tone to be so harsh, but he could not rid himself of his anger so quickly.

"You have every right to be furious with me."

"And I am. As much as I love you, you've hurt me." Obi-Wan took a ragged breath, trying again to squelch down his raging emotions.

"I know. All I can do is beg you to forgive me."

Caught between a joy so profound he could scarcely comprehend it and an equally great rage, Obi-Wan's emotions started to overload again, and tears prickled his already sore eyes. Not again. He fought them back with strength of will alone. He would not cry. "What do you expect of me?" He could not believe how breathy his voice sounded.

"Nothing you do not wish to give."

After all the pain and despair of the last few weeks, Qui-Gon loved him. Obi-Wan found that amazing. It didn't assuage his anger, but he felt the joy of it bubble up in him and he wanted to laugh out loud, to dance in celebration. In the end, he could not hold onto his anger when faced with a repentant Qui-Gon, and in truth he didn't want to.

Qui-Gon was still waiting ever patiently for him to say something, but he had no idea in the world what to say or do. "Where do we go from here?"

A tiny smile, filled with hope, crept onto Qui-Gon's mouth. "Well, that depends on you."

As if he could not guess, but he wanted to hear his Master lay out the possibilities. He let himself return the smile and feel the hope. "What are my options?"

"If you forgive me, and return my feelings then you will take your Trials and we will stay together and train Anakin, doing what work the council assigns us. If you do not forgive me, you will still take your Trials and do what work the council sets for you, and I will still train Anakin, but we will both do it alone."

Nodding, Obi-Wan took a shuddering breath. There had never been another option. "I choose to forgive you," he said, his voice breaking as he knelt beside his Master.

Qui-Gon embraced him. "Thank you." His voice sounded just as ravaged as Obi-Wan's did. "Thank you."

To his abject horror, his emotions overwhelmed him and he started to cry again, and then he could not stop. Holding on to Qui-Gon with every bit of strength he could muster, he slowly discovered his Master's shoulders were shaking too. "I'm so sorry , beloved, I am so sorry." Qui-Gon repeated it over and over.

Pulling back, he put his hand on Qui-Gon's face, meeting the wet blue eyes with sincere intent. "Don't ever do this to me again. Promise me, Master. I'll never survive it a second time."

"I swear it. I will never leave you again." Qui-Gon raised tender fingers to his face, gently wiping away the tears.

"Good."

"I love you."

The words sparked intense joy in Obi-Wan. I have loved you since I was old enough to have a clue as to what love was. I still love you. You are the only person I will ever love."

* * *

Reaching up, Obi-Wan pulled the bindings from Qui-Gon's hair, allowing it to flow forward, framing his face. A slender, callused finger moved the strands back a little as Obi-Wan leaned up, stopping a breath from his lips. "If I were to kiss you again, would you allow it this time?" Low and husky, Obi-Wan's tone said he knew the answer already.

Suddenly there was not enough air in the room, and Qui-Gon had to force the words out of his dry throat. "Yes. Please."

Obi-Wan's hand buried itself completely in his hair, and the other arm snaked around his waist, pulling him closer. On their knees, pressed together tightly, Qui-Gon wrapped both arms around Obi-Wan's back. For one exquisitely sweet moment, Obi-Wan just held him close, breath moist on his neck. He savoured the wondrous feel of the young man in his arms, drinking in the warmth and tenderness of the embrace.

He tilted his head down as Obi-Wan's came up and their lips met briefly, and then again, more strongly, tongues touching and then retreating and then coming back again shyly for a second taste. Qui-Gon groaned into the kiss, his desire intensifying with each movement of Obi-Wan's lips on his.

One slender hand slid along his face, and then his jaw, holding him while Obi-Wan's tongue sought to explore all the recesses of his mouth. A feather-soft brush of Obi-Wan's mind against his begged him to release his shields, and he did, allowing his Padawan to invade his mind as he'd invaded his mouth.

They started to merge fully, much more completely than they should have be able to in this situation. Obi-Wan pulled back, his eyes wide. "What just happened?"

As surprised as Obi-Wan was, Qui-Gon took a breath. "We started to bond."

"Life-bond?"

"Yes." That it had happened when they had only been kissing surprised him. "I thought it might be possible when we made love. I was going to mention it before we got that far." Qui-Gon chucked. "I've never heard of it happening from a kiss."

Bewilderment clear on his face, Obi-Wan shook his head. "How? I thought you had to initiate a bond like that. I didn't think it could just happen."

"When both parties are strong in the Force and there are equally strong emotions between them, then a bond can begin by itself. But usually it happens during sex."

"Do you want to bond with me?"

Of course he did. How could Obi-Wan question that? But given what had happened over the last few weeks, how could Obi-Wan not wonder? However, he wanted Obi-Wan to understand what this could mean. "If we continue, I doubt we'll be able to stop it."

"But do you want to?" Obviously, Obi-Wan needed it spelled out for him.

Fine. He could do that. "More than anything I can put into words."

"All right, then." Obi-Wan leaned forward again, fingertips tracing the paths on his face, pulling him in for another kiss.

Reaching out with his mind, Qui-Gon tangled his consciousness with Obi-Wan's, feeling the joy, the love, the anticipation, as well as Obi-Wan's fading anger and other surface emotions.

//This is odd, to feel exactly what you're feeling, Qui-Gon.// Deep awe mingled with substantial joy tinged the words.

It was only fair to point out, //I could always sense what you were feeling.//

//Everything?// A note of chagrin was added to the mental voice.

//It was a sense, not what you were actually feeling.//

Relief and a chuckle. //Making love should be interesting.//

//Shall we continue?// Without waiting for a verbal answer, Qui-Gon stood, taking Obi-Wan with him. //Bedroom?//

Obi-Wan laughed, husky and low and he turned to look at his Padawan. //What?//

Kissing him, Obi-Wan took his hand. //Nothing. I'm just happy.//

His chest tightened. //I am, too.//

Somehow they made it into the bedroom without tripping. Standing side by side, Qui-Gon eased Obi-Wan's tunic off his shoulders, nipping the fair skin with his teeth as he slid his hands down the muscular torso. "You are so beautiful," he whispered, wishing he could find more appropriate words for how splendid Obi-Wan was to him.

//I can feel how you feel, Master.// Obi-Wan's words held a note of wonder. //I did not understand that you felt this way.//

//I could not let you know before this.// Qui-Gon regretted having not been able to tell his Padawan about his true feelings earlier, but he'd not been able to risk Obi-Wan feeling obligated in any way.

Obi-Wan reached for his belt, and removed it and the sash, then slid his tunic from his shoulders. //When did you plan to tell me, or did you?//

//After your Knighthood. I would have spoken.// He kissed Obi-Wan with the pent-up emotions of the day, and with those from years of waiting for something he'd never been sure he would ever have.

Turning, Obi-Wan pushed him down on the bed, grasping Qui-Gon's boots and pulling them off. "Enough waiting." His trousers were stripped from his body and he lay naked under Obi-Wan's intense gaze. "And you said that I was beautiful? You define the word, Qui-Gon."

Never having thought of himself as more than pleasant to look at, Qui-Gon was nonetheless flattered by the intensity of the words. Sitting up, he reached for Obi-Wan, pulling him into a hard embrace, burying his head in the flat stomach as the emotions tried to overwhelm him again. He had come so close to losing this, before it had ever been his.

A hand trailed into his hair, and pulled him closer. //It's all right, master.//

//It's not.// And it would be some time before he could forgive himself, even if Obi-Wan did forgive him.

//Yes. It is.// The hand in his hair tugged his head back, and Obi-Wan lowered his mouth, kissing him fiercely. //Yes.//

Fire raced along his nerves, and Qui-Gon put everything else out of his mind in favour of the magnificence in front of him. Pushing Obi-Wan back far enough to work on the clasps of his leggings, he had to stop to remove the boots too, but finally his Padawan stood naked before him. Although he'd seen Obi-Wan nude countless times, this was the first time he'd allowed himself to notice the exquisitely pale skin, the long smooth muscles, and the red-gold curls at the base of the thick, hard cock. Qui-Gon sighed in pleasure, leaning down to kiss the spongy head, savouring the delicious salt-sweet flavour, then he took the length into his mouth, sucking gently.

A strangled groan came from Obi-Wan as the young man jerked in his embrace. This was not the best angle. Lifting his head with regret, he let the cock go with a final kiss, and stood, turning Obi-Wan. A gentle push had Obi-Wan sprawled back on the bed with his legs dangling bent at the knees. Qui-Gon dropped to his knees between the spread thighs, running his fingers along the silky skin, and returned to his task. Kissing the top of Obi-Wan's knee, he relished these first tastes of the sumptuous flesh that he'd dreamt about for so long.

He slowly tongued his way up the inside of the muscular thigh, letting the hairs on Obi-Wan's legs tickle his lips, and scraping his beard against the soft skin. Each sound that Obi-Wan made drove Qui-Gon on, giving him as much pleasure as he gave. Reaching the juncture between the splayed legs, Qui-Gon gently nuzzled the velvety soft balls, before licking up the long shaft. Obi-Wan shook and moaned loudly each step of the way, bucking up with a loud groan as Qui-Gon finally took the red, straining cock into his mouth.

Obi-Wan didn't last long, coming with a shout of his name and then subsiding on the bed, panting hard. Climbing onto the bed, Qui-Gon pulled Obi-Wan into his arms, holding and kissing him until his breathing normalized.

As his eyes opened, Obi-Wan smiled warmly at him. "That was unbelievable." He reached down and ran his hand along Qui-Gon's still hard cock. "But I think it's my turn now."

Nodding, Qui-Gon allowed himself to be rolled onto his back, and his mouth taken in an ardent kiss. Obi-Wan was relentless, stroking, kissing, licking and nuzzling everywhere at once creating a sea of sensations that Qui-Gon could only flail and drown in. There was nothing beyond the heated mouth, hands and lips that tortured him so divinely Qui-Gon was no longer sure he would survive the encounter and in truth, he didn't care, the bright bliss he was living in would sustain him forever.

Obi-Wan knelt over him, his mouth still moving on his flesh, but a vial of oil flew into his hands, and he coated Qui-Gon's cock with it, before reaching back to prepare himself. When Qui-Gon would have protested that it was his job to prepare his lover for their joining, Obi-Wan silenced him with a kiss. //Let me do this.//

Qui-Gon could only agree. With incredible slowness, Obi-Wan sat down on him, taking the entire not-insubstantial length of him inside. The heat and constriction were amazing, and the raw pleasure of Obi-Wan moving on him drove the breath from his body and all thoughts from his mind. His world spun out on the light, splintering into a million pieces, each one diamond-bright and white-hot with unimaginable pleasure. Screaming as he came, Qui-Gon fell into a molten fire, takingeverything that he had and giving him back pure perfection in return.

When he opened his eyes again, Obi-Wan was lying beside him, smiling smugly. Finding the strength to move, he leaned up and kissed Obi-Wan, then cuddled him close.

//Sleep?// came the sleepy, sated question. Obi-Wan sounded half-way there at the moment.

//Yes, beloved. I'm an old man, I need my rest.//

Chuckling, Obi-Wan nipped his ear. //Not quite that old.//

Obi-Wan was right, he didn't feel old at all.

Warm and replete, Qui-Gon woke a few hours later. He didn't move, as he assessed the delicious situation in which he found himself . A hard cock pressed into the crevice between his buttocks, and he was held tightly in strong arms from the back. Obi-Wan. His Padawan would only have to shift down a little and press in.

He felt Obi-Wan wake, and assess the same situation. Lifting his hand, the oil they had used earlier flew into his palm, and he handed it back to Obi-Wan. Soft lips pressed against his shoulder, and then pulled away for a moment. Crooking his upper leg forward, he opened himself for Obi-Wan's touch, anticipation skating along his nerves.

Obi-Wan's slick fingers worked into him for a long time, stretching him, teasing him, making him ready by driving him closer and closer to the edge. A leg draped over his, and Obi-Wan was pressing into him, filling him, his mind merging completely with his Padawan's.

They moved together languidly, letting the tension build slowly, in no hurry to move things along at any greater pace than that which they had started with. The bands of emotion stretched out farther and farther until finally they broke, sending Qui-Gon spiralling down into a vortex of sweet passion and bliss.

As the ecstasy faded, Obi-Wan pulled him close, and he slipped back into sleep.

* * *

Epilogue

Qui-Gon woke from a dream of sleeping in Obi-Wan's arms to the real thing. The sun came brightly through the window of their room. He sighed contentedly. The past two weeks had been a considerable improvement on the previous two. Running a hand down Obi-Wan's naked flank, he luxuriated in the feel of hard muscle and smooth skin. His Padawan had gained back some of the weight he'd lost, recovering completely from the trauma of the Sith warrior and the aftermath. There was new, hard muscle under the pale skin.

They had worked out daily, training hard toward Obi-Wan's Trials which would take place this afternoon. Even in sleep, he could feel Obi-Wan's excitement and anticipation through their bond which seemed to grow stronger each day.

A hand on his shoulder urged him to roll over and face his lover. //Good morning, my Master.//

//And to you, beloved.// He leaned over and kissed Obi-Wan's mouth. //You would not be taking your Trials if the council did not feel you were ready.// Qui-Gon hoped to relieve some of the nerves he could feel running through his Padawan.

//I know. I'm not so much worried as I am excited. I want to do well.//

"You will."

"With you as my teacher, how could I not?"

"Thank you," Qui-Gon said quietly, deeply touched by the words and the feelings that went with them.

"No. Thank you." Obi-Wan took him by surprise by rolling on top of him and leered playfully down at him. "You know, we don't have anything to do before the Trials start this afternoon."

Wrapping his arms around Obi-Wan's strong back, Qui-Gon laughed. "Don't you want to meditate or practice?"

"As you said, if I weren't ready, I wouldn't be taking the Trials. So anything I might do now would be wasted effort. I think I should relax and enjoy my beloved for the morning. What do you think?"

"I think you could be right." Leaning up, he captured Obi-Wan's soft lips in another kiss.

-finis  
October 1999


End file.
